this_organdonor

i seriously want to call in to work for a "mental" health day tomorrow. i just feel exhausted, and one more day of the same ol' stuff might just crack me this week. maybe i've just been working too much lately. my only true day off anymore is sunday, and i'm usually trying like crazy to get my personal stuff done to care about relaxing.

what happened to enjoying life? it's like i started working when i was 14 and haven't stopped since. it's not like i feel that i deserve some big break that everyone else doesn't get, it's just that i'm waiting for the payoff. i'm struggling to merely get by and pay off all these credit cards and student loans. meanwhile, my stress levels are through the roof because after paying all my bills, i'm trying to get by on twenty dollars a week for fun and entertainment.

well, this was just one big whine...

my plan for tomorrow if i DO call off is to try and get some classes planned, cancel my cabel and internet, and get some cover letters written. maybe having a personally productive day will be beneficial. i'll do something for myself.

out.

i feel sometimes like i'm outside of my body watching as i react to things around me. i watch myself and hate what i see: inefficiency, unprofessionalism, laziness, and a existing in general disconnect with the world around me. when i'm talking to people, i sometimes hear words coming out of my mouth that i could never really get behind...things i really don't believe "I" would say.

"it's almost as if i'm tied to tracks..."

it feels sometimes like i can seperate from myself a little too easily. i hear people talking, but i'm not really listening to what they're saying. i'll nod my head and respond in trite little phrases, but i'm not really hearing them. i'm not interacting with them. sometimes i feel like i have this anxiety about interacting with people...i always avoid making connections with other people, usually waiting for them to contact me or make the effort to start a conversation. it's odd...i've just been "watching" myself too much lately, perseverating a little too much, maybe. nonetheless, these insights could be valid. i've heard of things like social anxiety disorder, but i think that usually pertains to fears of being in front of groups. i dated a guy who had social anxiety disorder, and i took one of his pills once, just to see what would happen. it didn't do anything for me...which led me to believe i didn't have a problem.

then, again...there's got to be some sort of validity to my insights.

with that, i'm out...

i updated...are you happy?

yeah yeah yeah...it's been forever, i know...

went for a walk on this beautiful day in beautiful goodale park with my beautiful friend cat and ate beautiful chinese food. okay, so the food wasn't that beautiful, but it was good. i introduced cat to the coffee table today, too.

so my new addiction is law & order: SVU. i can't get enough of it and my boyfriend's jealous of it. i had to console him the other night and tell him that i didn't love SVU more than him. i actually had the theme song stuck in my head the other day, and every time i walked in or out of my classroom i heard the "doink doink" noise in my head.

that's it for now...nothing too funny or interesting, but at least i updated, right?

A co-worker wants me to go to this wierd business thing on Saturday, which I'm not too hyped about. She's been really vague as to what it is, which just takes me back to my days in Chi-town when I attended something that I think could be similar. These people shut us up in a conference room for about an hour and a half to talk to us about the wonders of buying into this one company. It was strange and indescribable in terms of what actually went on. I'm so far removed from the situation now to actually remember the name of the company or what the nature of the business was. I do remember loathing myself for actually going. It kind of reminded me of a brothel because these people would invite guests to come, like I was, and the guests would have to sit in the first few rows while their inviters sat in the last few. The person running the "program" would come up in between presentations to check on us and ask if we were interested in joining. The way to start up was to attend this expensive conference where you would learn all the "secrets" of the company. It boiled down to internet sales, where you would recieve money for people buying stuff from other websites. I have no idea how it worked because I didn't get that far into it. It was just scary. So this one's really freaking me out. I don't really want to go, but the co-worker is a friend and I don't want to piss her off or hurt her feelings. We'll see...

What's with this rib-removal crap? Big debate among the teachers in my lab today as to whether Janet Jackson had rib-removal surgery. We can't even figure out if this surgery actually exists. What a world...what a world. My gut instinct is no. She's had alot of surgery, but that's just ridiculous. She's skinny enough to count the ribs anyway, plus she hardly ever wears any clothing. I got this...

The curse is broken!! I have finished a crossword puzzle! Thank god for the word "harem!"

I think I'm addicted to crossword puzzles. What's worse, I think I have a crossword puzzle curse that I can't shake. It all started when I set aside a puzzle that I was in the middle of and forgot about it. Since then, I have been unable to finish any puzzle that I try. I think that becuase I failed to finish one, I am cursed to not be able to finish any others until I go back to the one that I forgot to finish.

In other news...I'm getting another cat. This one is a Siamese male, about 8-9 years old. Danielle needs a friend, and my roommate's cat, Squee, just isnt' cutting it. Speaking of Squee, I almost killed him this morning. It was one of those moments like with a child where you think that shaking him will make things better. Don't worry, I didn't shake the kitty. I felt like it though. He gets his kicks by attacking Danielle all the time, and if you know my cat, you know how sweet she is. Squee's just a bastard.

I'm at school right now, so I should get going. I just had to update this so I could rub it in Cat and Katie's faces. See, I do update once in a blue moon...

For the most part, this multi-genre paper project has been a positive experience. It is turning out better than I had expected, and some of the students are showing a phenomenal amount of enthusiasm for researching and learning about their topic.
Discipline is still incredibly difficult for me. I did an activity with the students where I had them set up some expectations for each other in the class, as well as expectations for me as a teacher. That seemed to quell the "noise" for a short time. Today, the 1st session was a huge disaster in terms of behavior. There are certain problematic students who are able to slide by and mess around without me being able to figure out what they are doing or actually catching them in the act. Those same students' behavior was out of control today, and it affected everyone around them. At the lowest point, I had two students complaining and requesting to leave class early because they were offended and annoyed by those misbehaving students. One girl said to me, "They're being disrespectful and I can't concentrate. Can't you control them?" To which the other girl replied, "No, he can't control them." And the sad thing is that she was right. It had to have been my lowest point as a teacher. I just wanted to throw in the towl at that point. I was so disappointed in myself. I had a stern talk with the rest of the calss after allowing those two girls to work in another lab. I hope that made some difference. The second session went better than expected, and is slowly becoming my favorite.
Now approaches the time when I am deciding what I should do differently the next time I teach a unit similar to this one.

So far, the lessons are going 100% better since i started this new thing. Mom called on Monday night to let me know that my dad lost his job. Haven't heard from them since, and kinda pissed that they haven't gotten back to me. I hate being this far away when shit like this goes down.

I'm going to throw out my entire curriculum plan for the next month starting tomorrow. I'm going to write the phrase "Why life is unfair..." on the board and go from there. I don't know what this will turn into, but I have extremely high hopes for it. I hope to work in some activities I had been planning such as Langston Hughes's "I, Too, Sing America" and John Lennon's "Imagine." Right now, I envision some really cool Multigenre papers. I'm getting carried away already. We'll see...